I have cut all ties with him. For good. I refuse to be a part of and play into the toxicity that our relationship was. Loneliness is a powerful thing. Loneliness is what instigated our on/off approximately six year relationship. When I say relationship, I am not only speaking of when we dated, but when we first started interacting. 

It’s sad in a way. But we’re at different stages in our lives and we’re different people now. Sort of. In a way, I do realize that we have a lot in common, still. 

However. 

This is something that I can’t do anymore. 

Put simply,

If we stayed together, this on/off thing would become worse and worse. 

And I would much rather prefer to keep the good memories that we had without destroying those as well. 

Haven’t spoken to him in two months.

Here’s to hoping that I don’t ever regret this. 

i have a substance problem. i think it says something about myself if every night, i feel that i need to have a drink. not to get drunk, as one, that in itself is difficult to do, but to take the edge off, so to speak. i am potentially a functioning alcoholic. either that, or i just have a strange fascination with substances. 

i’ve become so desensitized to everything. it’s like a little buzzing in my ear. you know, the background, always surrounding you, and you’re involved. kind of. but not. you’re detached.

you talk to people sure, and you smile and it feels real. in retrospect, you’re just imitating what you’ve observed over the years.

i don’t know how to react to this.

i don’t even think i really care.

this should scare me.

it doesn’t. 

i think this is why i love to walk the line between living and death. taking risks, feeling something, anything. i’m a thrill seeker. i don’t care if it gets me killed.

or do i?

who cares. this is just going to go in circles.

12:08 AM

maybe i should have gotten your number and we could have watched some fireworks together

12:10 AM

maybe i should have met you at 10:30 for the hell of it

maybe that’s not what normal people do

what do normal people do?

how do they even interact with others?

12:11 AM

maybe you would have said no

maybe you were just being polite and didn’t actually want to get to know me

maybe i’m just a side character in your story

12:12 AM

maybe you’ll stop by tomorrow

you probably won’t

you don’t owe me anything

it’s fine, it’s just that…fireworks

they’re lovely to watch

12:13 AM

even better to share them with someone else

no matter who it is

i think that i have actually been honest about my own feelings once. at least in regards to others. 

in all of my previous relationships, save for one, i have never had any real interest in the other person. romantically, at least- maybe not even in a true friend way either. 

my reasoning for this is because i always became bored of them. it didn’t matter. and it’s not as if they were the same type of person either. you have the dork, the gamer, the jock, the intelligent, the popular crowd. different genres, same result. boredom. 

save for one.

it was hard for me to say, but i did say that (in these exact words) 

“you know that i’ll love you forever right? not necessarily in a romantic way or anything…but i will love you nonetheless.” 

admittedly, at the time, i was saying those things in order to get him to not give up on our relationship or friendship, as dysfunctional as it was. 

but it’s actually true. 

i will love him forever. i will care for him forever. he is literally the one person that i will never get bored of, will never give up on, and will forever be my best friend. 

our relationship (friendship) is dysfunctional, true. we are both merely playing on each other’s strengths in order to get what we want and even though we both believe that we personally do not have anything to offer, it seems just being is enough. 

him just being is enough for me.

me just being is enough for him.

we are our own person and we both have different goals in mind. but we support each other the best we can, without suffocating the other. 

it’s nice. it’s subtle. 

i really do love him. it’s unconditional. 

i’m disgusting i feel sick and gross and dizzy and nauseated and i have a bit of a headache /i wish i had a bottle of vodka so i could puke my guts out /i would feel so much better then /screw my body for wanting to keep me alive and well nourished /also fuck my gag reflex for being so weak it’s almost non-existent /i hate myself so much it’s wonderful

maybe my inability to maintain a stable, constant romantic interest is because i don’t care about whether i am loved or not. all i really want is to be remembered.